


Worth Your Love

by Abbinormal, Tempest_gail (Abbinormal)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Crying Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Eren Is a Little Shit, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, Levi can be a little ooc, Levi is a Little Shit, M/M, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past military, Sick Character, Sick Eren Yeager, Triggers, Work In Progress, modern day AU, they are adorable, trigger warnings in later chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-21 15:02:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6056001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abbinormal/pseuds/Abbinormal, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abbinormal/pseuds/Tempest_gail
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren starts experiencing symptoms that he keeps hidden until he can't anymore. As he fights to survive, Levi and Eren try and deal with their past trauma as well as a terrifying diagnosis together as it resurfaces in nightmares and everyday life. Will Levi be able to keep Eren going? Can he keep himself together? Can Eren hold on to his will for survival?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It started with...

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fan fiction, I hope you guys enjoy it! I don't have a beta, so my work is only edited by myself and there may be some mistakes. There are some descriptions of violence and gore, possibly smut in later chapters, and some material may trigger some people, so please be warned. If M/M is not for you, then this is not for you my friend.
> 
> Eren and Levi's past is intertwined throughout the chapters briefly, but it starts as Eren is 23 and Levi is 28. They have known each other since Eren was a junior in high school, and have had an established relationship for some years. Levi served in the military to pay for college after he was disowned for his sexuality by his parents, and has lost several of his closest friends over the years. He now works in web design and software technology and programming. Eren has bought a flower shop and named it after his mother, who passed away when he was younger. All of this will be explained in more detail, but that is the background information. Any comments are appreciated, be patient with me, I'm not sure how this story will end yet. Thank you, and enjoy!

It started with just headaches. Eren didn't want to say anything, they were manageable. It's fine then, right? People get headaches all the time. He was almost arrogant in that way, thinking he could carry on by himself. He started to get worried when they started getting longer, and sharper. After about three weeks of daily migraines his ears started ringing. Honestly, he thought that was worse than the current pain. A high pitched squeal that followed him everywhere and made his skin itch that almost drove him crazy. No one noticed except for levi. Even then, eren insisted he was fine, thinks he's just coming down with the flu! Don't worry, levi.  
He hated making them worry, so even when the hearing and the headaches brought spots of blackness dancing and falling across his vision, he said nothing. His sister Mikasa and Armin would be absolutely drowning right now if he breathed a word. Mikasa was quiet but domineering, and Armin would pull on his ponytail and pace. He was good in a planning crisis, but terrible in most others. All that intuition of his would float away and leave him to the mercy of his wails as Mikasa essentially bubble wrapped him. Hanji, Levi's best friend, would insist he come in for a checkup. And then she would kidnap him and do a too thorough examination herself, and Erwin would probably help. Eren loved Levi's friends now, but they too could be a little... Overpowering.  
Levi was quiet when he was anxious. No one but hanji and eren could ever tell when the captain, returned from Afghanistan, was plagued by something. A line ran up the center of his forehead, almost invisible, and he chewed the inside of his cheek. Eren knew that no matter how they showed it, everyone would be eaten up if anything even minor was wrong with him. Even if he insisted on the contrary. Eren was 5 years younger, just 23, and levi had said an unspoken promise to protect the younger boy no matter what.  
So he said nothing. 

Everything was fine for about two months. He could manage getting around, and levi would only casually take a second glance if he winced on accident or ran into something that was in a blind spot. It was hard to keep from him, seeing as they spent the most time together, and his boyfriend was unfortunately extraordinarily vigilant. He didn't want to stir up the easy mornings the two had. Eren curled up to Levi's toned chest, arms wrapped around each other until they were two parts of one being. Or the afternoons he came home from his flower shop and levi was home already, tuned out of any sound except for the cello over the surround sound in their tiny house. Even so, he could feel himself slipping. The symptoms he had were getting worse, and he didn't know how much longer he could stay quiet. 

It turned out only another 5 days. He woke up in a cold sweat, an unbearable tightness in his ribs, and his left arm was on fire. He couldn't see any flames, so why did his flesh burn? Why did it hurt so badly? He couldn't keep breathing, and didn't notice that levi had woken as well, and was asking him something. What was it? Oh god, his head was being torn open. It hurt. This hurts. He writhed in attempt to get away from the pain. Any words coming from his boyfriends mouth were lost in an echo that surrounded him. He started hyperventilating, and tearing into the skin on his arm until he couldn't take it anymore. Every description of pain there was; breaking, needles, aching, stabbing, sharp, he felt them all. He was going to scream, and he wanted his arm to be ripped off....  
He brought his aching hand to his lips and bit down hard. He tasted bitter iron on the back of his tongue, but he kept going. He wasn't going to scream like this. This would help him deal with the unbearable, invisible fire. He kept sinking his teeth into his hand until he felt levi tear at his shoulders. Everything was dark, echoey and strangely unrealistic, removed. Like he was put in a kaleidoscope that was turning him around over and over.  
"Eren? Eren!! Stop it! EREN!!!!" He sat on Eren's chest and pried his hand from his mouth slowly, streaks of maroon leading from the base of his thumb to his grinding teeth. He knew without his hand in his mouth, without the numbing distraction, there was nothing left blocking the moans and wails from his throat. Levi started to shake him as he screamed, trembling himself as his deep voice became more and more unsure. He pinned Eren's arms to his sides with his knees, and stroked Eren's cheeks, cradling his face in his hands and rubbing tiny circles with his thumbs as if that was the only thing holding him together. After a few minutes, once it became clear that whatever this misery was wasn't leaving the room politely, levi dipped his head, pressing their foreheads together and whispered under Eren's screams.  
"It's okay, it will be okay. Eren please just breathe baby. Don't move until I come back. I'll be right back okay? I'm so sorry." He pressed his lips where there foreheads met as eren struggled underneath him. Tugging at his pajama pant legs and tensing every muscle in his body over and over again. Levi took a long look into his bright turquoise eyes, glazed over with agony, and sprinted out of the room. Eren couldn't bring himself to move, or do anything but wail until his lungs felt like they would collapse. That would force him to take another quick inhale before his brain shut off and he began the process over. Levi had a phone when he came back, and was shouting miserably at whoever was on the other line. Told them their address, and threw the phone across the floor. He scooped eren into his arms, and took hold of his profusely bleeding hand, trying to press the wound closed with fingers now slick with blood.  
" okay baby. Alright bright eyes, I hear you. Come on, we've got to get you to the hospital. Jesus you did a number on yourself. I'm so sorry, I'm sorry I don't know what to do... I can't help you, I don't know what to do for you..." He carried Eren's lighter, but slightly taller frame to the door, rocking him and pressing his face into soft and messy chocolate hair. Eren lay in his arms limply, still crying out to whatever would listen in terrible tortured breaths. Blood was pooling on Levi's pants, dripping down to the floor. Angry red scratches and beads of blood lined Eren's arm, up his chest to his throat where he tried to claw the pain away. It must have been only a few minutes, but it felt like a little eternity to the pair. Levi almost wished eren would scream enough to make himself pass out, or bleed out enough to fall asleep. Stop crying, please stop hurting. At the same time every exhale that Eren had was awake and alive and okay for just one more minute. Levi was so confused, what was wrong with him? Why was he in so much pain and why couldn't he do anything for him? Besides the self inflicted wounds, nothing looked wrong.

This was the worst, he decided. He had held soldiers hands as they died, voluntarily waiting through their blood for their last words. Even when Petra died there was something he could do, though not much. He knew what had happened and he knew she was going to die. No matter how much he denied it, Hanji and Eren knew he cared deeply about people. He had seen bodies that didn't look like people anymore, and had heard screaming before. But there was always something he could do then. Press on a wound, give them morphine, tourniquet or stitch or pry an intimidating thing out of an abdomen. He got the feeling that Advil wasn't going to make a dent in whatever was plaguing his eren. And there was nothing he could do but sit there and wait for the ambulance, holding Eren's body as tightly as he could, and wait for each sharp inhale. 

After 6 minutes and no sirens, levi got impatient. He started rocking again, pleading for eren to just tell him what was wrong, what could he do? Eren, tell me! I don't know what to do! His screams subsided for a moment, leaving anxious and ragged breathing that broke Levi's heart.  
"Le-vi vi I cann-n-t it hurr-rts. I'm- I'm sorry I'm so sorry"  
"Shut up you idiot! What the hell is wrong? What happened?! Eren, please tell me what to do!"  
His breathing got more and more irregular, sucking on air it seemed he just couldn't force into his lungs. Levi shakily watched as it got shallower, air rasping at his lips. Despite this, his mouth twisted and he shuddered, clenching at whatever piece of skin he could get at with both hands. Leaving bloody streaks over his clothes, and he shrieked an ungodly noise that shouldn't be possible to create from someone who's barely breathing. All they could do was wait for the damned sirens, which couldn't come fast enough for levi. Finally he heard the ambulance through Eren's wailing, and clutched him even closer to his chest if it was possible. Paramedics burst through the door, and the flashing lights echoing through the darkness in the doorway. Clouds held their breath over the city, waiting to release icy rain. The paramedics were shouting at them, words that went through levi as he watched them pry a screaming eren from his arms. They pinned him to the ground, giving an IV and setting an O2 mask over his jaw. As he felt the strange hands grabbing at him, eren fully panicked.  
"Make it stop, make it stop please make it stop!!!" He jerked under the paramedics arms, sobbing hysterically with eyes glazed over like he was in another world. He shrieked and didn't breathe, shouting for levi and twisting maniacally. All levi could do was stand behind the three medics, numb and frozen. What was happening? What was wrong with his Eren?  
He was sedated after he tried biting his other arm. Both his wrist and his other hand were bleeding all over the plasticy white sheets he was cocooned in. He was still breathing fast and shallow, his eyes flickering under closed lids. He whimpered every few seconds. Levi had never felt so helpless.


	2. Don't panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren goes to the hospital, and Levi tries to hold himself together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a slightly shorter chapter. There may be some mistakes because I edit my works myself, and this is my first fan fiction, so I would love any feedback. Hope you guys enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> Side note, I'll be using a lot of Disney and studio ghibli references, because Eren is adorable that way.

He followed the gurney silently into the hospital, braced for the sharp smell of iodine and blood buried under disinfectants. The bright fluorescent lights flickered overhead casting weird shadows. Anyone who took a glance at him would have seen a pinched, jaded face. No one would be able to tell just how damn torn up he was. How much he wanted to yell in frustration and punch down the walls of this narrow, never ending off white hallway. No one would be able to see the worry that was already eating away at him.  
No one thought about this. While eren was the open kind one, he was also the angry passionate one. Levi was the one who couldn't kill anything unless he had to. Levi was the one who captured spiders instead of squashing them, and it was levi who stuffed two cats under his raincoat, and insisted quietly and sternly that they keep the little bastards. It was always levi who felt things the deepest.  
everyone was busy with more pressing emergencies. Because everyone in here is dying right now, or at least acting like it. One older man from the curtained off section next to them was screaming about liver failure and whiskey. A young woman was raced past them, bleeding from her shoulder badly enough to leave little flowery drips behind her. Eren was still out, thank god. He would have been upset seeing all these people. That is one thing that he was always terrible at, discretion and his temper. When he was upset, every damn living thing in the vicinity was going to know, and no one was going to stop it. His sense of justice was deeply rooted in everything he did.  
He still whimpered from time to time, twitching unbearably in his sleep and tensing under the tight bandages that covered his lower arms. Levi was sat in a beige plastic thing that could be called a chair by a tired and pouty looking nurse with a coffee stain on her pink scrubs. He didn't know what else to do but wait again. Wait and hold Eren's hand, brush his hair, whisper things he knew he couldn't hear, until a doctor showed up.  
" you're such an idiot, you know that? What have you been hiding from me? Has it been like this before? Have you hurt before? Why the hell didn't I make you tell me when I noticed the first time? Just a headache you said. Just the flu, you said. Bullshit. Bright eyes, I don't know what to do, I'm torn between hiding you in our room wrapped in a blanket burrito and protecting you forever and ever, and beating you within an inch of your damn life. Why didn't I press you earlier? Why did you lie? Why did you hide from me? Was it because I worry? Because I get sentimental and shit about you, brat? Well guess what. I'm worried now eren. I'm scared." He was lost in space and time, just wanting this to all be some nightmare, something he conjured up to torture himself with. 

At some point, an intern came by and shakily put in at least a dozen stitches into each hand. How eren had managed to bite himself so badly, levi didn't know. He just let himself get lost in the methodical process of stitch after stitch, trying to keep his mind off of Eren's screams still ringing in his head.  
Finally, an older doctor came by. He introduced himself as Dr. Pixis, and read the chart left at the foot of the bed quickly.  
He explained something that was lost on levi. Scans. Trauma? Pain? Infection? These words couldn't be processed in his blurred mind. It felt like he was stuffed full of feathers. All he could do was nod every 30 seconds or so, and watch with almost terror as a lab tech wheeled a still and hardly breathing eren away from him.  
He desperately but absently tried to follow, as if he couldn't get his body to focus or listen to his commands. His arms outstretched he breathlessly reached for the boy lying in the stretcher, a low whine in his throat. His steps feel heavy, like his muscles have no power behind his purpose. He felt hollowed out.  
Hands pressed into his shoulders, effectively stopping him as he watched the hallway with sad eyes.  
" sir, I'm sorry, but you'll need to wait in the seated area." His mouth gaped, opened and closed in response, but he made no sound. He was scared. Overwhelmed.  
"Sir? I need you to wait outside." A male nurse just taller than him, with dark eyes and hair the same color as Erens stood in front of him, strong dark arms holding him in place.  
"Follow me please." He briskly turned, and levi thoughtlessly followed.  
These chairs were the stupidest damn thing. Levi hated the strange, seventies color schemes that loudly zigzagged over the fabric of barely cushioned plastic. It was like it wasn't made for a body, it was only there to take up space in the room with orangey pink walls that looked like medicine. He was hunched over, elbows on his knees. His fingers were entwined so tightly his knuckles turned white, he couldn't think about anything, just counted the tile squares and tried to do pointless simple math with the colored patterns. Don't think about the time. Don't think about Eren. Don't think about the man coughing next to you or the crying baby who really just had a mild fever or how many germs are on this chair everything is so filthy...  
Stop. Focus.  
He must have been there for some time, because the room slowly filtered away, leaving an entirely new batch of people. Which waiting room was he even in? The radiologist? The ER? He didn't know, he hardly cared. All he wanted was to keep his mind on the math he could do in his sleep, and whenever the hell he could see Eren. 

After several hours, it must have been mid afternoon at this point, someone finally called for him. "Next of kin, Eren jaeger?" He just about bolted out of the chair, and followed yet another nurse or tech or whoever it was  
" we ran several labs, he seems to have fairly normal levels, but there are some things the doctor was concerned about. He isn't on any drugs or medications, is that correct?" Levi nodded slowly, trying to keep himself on the conversation. " we have also run a CT. The radiologist will have the results in 48 hours, however you need to schedule an MRI for the next few days. There is some space tomorrow but he might be pushed back..." They rounded a corner and levi was taken to another hallway with tiny, doorless rooms. He knew that silhouette. The one hugging its own chest with its head hung. He didn't wait for the other person, he didn't wait for confirmation. He strode into the room and immediately pulled the body into his arms, just a flash of emerald eyes before he buried his head into the fluffy chestnut hair. Oh thank god. He was surrounded by his favorite aroma, cut grass and what he could only describe as sun. Warmth. Something so distinctly eren. His skin was always just a bit warmer than anyone else's. Levi felt his face lean into his chest, and tentatively sling his bandaged arms around Levi's lithe waist. He could finally breathe, eren was in his arms again. He pulled back just enough to place his hands on his shoulders forcefully.  
" don't do that to me again you damn brat."  
"I-" his voice cracked and his shoulders slumped. His usually vibrant eyes looked like the fire had died down. Levi felt his chest tighten again, and he gently pressed his lips against Eren's. It was chaste but loving and slow, he leaned his forehead against the younger mans, feeling Eren's hands sweep up and trace circles in Levi's dark, undercut hair.  
" I'm sorry." Levi shook his head. You should be sorry you idiot, for not telling me. For scaring me. Sarcastic responses resounded in Levi's mind, but he opted to keep his mouth shut. He could kick the brats ass later.  
" let's get you home." Eren hummed in response, and the RN at the door silently turned away to bring them paperwork that would take too long.

After an hour of discharge, and half hour briefing about an MRI from Dr. Pixis, Levi had to practically carry Eren to the car, he was so fatigued and shaky. He kept clutching at his arms, as if he expected something else to be there. Levi gently set him in the passenger seat, and breathed a sigh of relief to finally be out of that claustrophobia inducing place. As soon as he did, a pit of dread settled in his stomach. He got the feeling he would be here a lot in the next few weeks.  
The drive home was almost silent, Eren nearly passed out against the window on the way home. When they turned into the driveway, levi turned off the ignition and sat unblinking in the seat for several more minutes.  
" something has been wrong for a little while, hasn't it? " Eren shifted against the window, refusing to answer.  
" eren, look at me. Why didn't you tell me?" The man next to him turned slowly, hunched over as if defeated.  
" I didn't think... I thought I would be okay. It wasn't so bad at first. I didn't want you to worry. Nothing has ever been like this before. " He looked sobered and tired. As much as Levi wanted to hate him, he couldn't. He loved the brat too damn much to be angry.  
" let's get you inside. You can't eat though, and just water, you have an MRI at 10:30 tomorrow morning. Okay? We can watch some studio ghibli if you'd like. I'll call Jean and tell him to cover the shop for the next few days." Eren nodded, and started to get out of the car before he became wobbly and unstable. Levi ran to the other side of the car to help his stupid boyfriend from getting a god damn concussion. 

Of course Eren picked ponyo. It was his ultimate feel good movie, and levi never minded as long as he got to hold eren on the couch and press himself into his tanned shoulders and fluffy hair. They essentially molded to each other's bodies, becoming indistinguishable.  
Eren drifted off sometime after the cuteness overload scene during the storm. He was legitimately surprised the younger man didn't jerk awake off his shoulders as ponyo yelled HAM!!! Out of the screen. After a few more minutes, Levi turned off the TV and just watched a strong but surprisingly thin chest rise slowly and exhale, blowing softly into Levi's face. He didn't mind. He pushed eren off his shoulder just enough to lie on the couch behind him, and wrap eren up to his chest. He didn't think he would be able to sleep, but exhaustion pulled at his eyelids. He cursed at it, wanting to make sure eren would have no problems through the night, but he couldn't keep his mind on it. His vision blurred and he let his mind drift off, hugging Eren a little tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random explanation, if any of you have seen sword art online ( if you haven't yet, stop reading the note here for spoilers) I had an inspiration from a scene for this chapter. The image of when Asuna disappears and is killed by heathcliff, and Kirito goes into shock and is trying to touch the leftover pieces of asuna but is unable to speak is what I had in mind when Eren is taken away on the gurney and Levi tries to follow. He's so in shock he can't process what's happening, can't say a word, just knows he wants to stay with Eren.


	3. Coffee and MRIs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Levi go back to the hospital for imaging. Nothing super substantial happens in this chapter, but I think Eren is a little more himself than what I've written so far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and questions are always appreciated my lovelies, thanks to all of you have dropped by and tried it, even more thanks to those of you who will stick with it. No beta, I edit, there will be some mistakes.... 
> 
> Nothing huge happens in this chapter, like I said before, but I really like writing the way I think Levi and Eren would really act around each other now and then. So they aren't super sad and angsty ALL the time. Enjoy it my ducklings! Enjoy it while you can, because the next couple of chapters are them being angsty.

Levi always woke up early. He left his exhausted boyfriend on the couch, and started his morning ritual of cleaning for an hour. Even if he never left the apartment anything but spotless, he couldn't help himself and his neat freak obsession. After just over an hour, it was still only 7:30, so levi helped himself to a little food. He felt terrible about not letting Eren eat, but he knew better than to go against Dr. Pixis' insistent orders.   
At 9:20. Levi dragged a reluctant eren off the couch, and insisted he put some other clothes on. When eren sat up, groggy and still exhausted, levi took no notice of his mumbled words. They sounded garbled, like someone had put them in a blender. Jesus how could the brat still be tired? He pulled him to his feet, and pushed him in the direction of their room where a closet awaited to be destroyed by his thankfully adorable boyfriend.   
There wasn't much talk this morning. They listened to the radio in silence, eren trying to smile at Levi every now and then, assuring him that he was fine. He would squeeze his hand in return, and turn up the music.   
They still had to wait half an hour after they arrived. No one came to call them, but it seemed that everything was empty. Eren leaned into levi shoulder, telling him stupid jokes and trying to keep the mood light.   
"Na, levi-"   
" yeah brat?"   
"Don't worry. It's okay. I just want you to do one thing for me." Levi looked up, almost afraid of what he would ask for.   
" please get me the largest cup of coffee and whatever the hell you can carry after I get out, I am so fucking hungry!" He perked up. " food! I'm pretty sure I'm turning into my employee Sasha! Oh look, it looks like I've found something tasty..." He tilted his chin up so that he was nibbling on Levi's neck and ear causing him to squirm away. Eren held him in place with a crushing embrace.   
"Brat! You are so asking for it!" Levi claimed his lips and started kissing him roughly, biting on his lower lip and making eren smirk.  
" looks like I found something pretty good too..." He pulled away and started to play with his boyfriends raven hair, pulling the longest strands into a ponytail, then making the worlds shortest braids. He didn't mind, he could be here all day letting his stupid boyfriend do that to his hair...  
" eren jeager?" A female tech with a long, blonde ponytail materialized in the tiny waiting room. Eren got up slowly, squeezing Levi's shoulder, and turned to smile at him again.   
" be out in a bit, please dear god get me food. And coffee. A lot of coffee."   
"Will do kid. Don't cry when they stick you."   
" that was one time! One flu shot! And the lady didn't do it right damnit!!" He gave a fake pout, and disappeared after the tech. 

They tell you about MRIs being confining, and they tell you there will be noise. But they don't tell you just how damn loud it is. You don't think having earplugs and giant headphones will be necessary until all you hear is clicks and whirs and someone banging the insides with a jackhammer. He knew he had to stay still, but it was hard not to flinch when a particularly loud gunshot sound rang over the cage that lined over his face. Well, he was going to try and sleep so he wouldn't move, but there wasn't a bats chance in hell that was going to happen. About 20 minutes later, they pulled him out on the sliding table, and again insisted he not move a muscle. " just relax" the voices echoed. They tugged on his left arm, and he felt the pinch for the contrast. There was cursing, aching, and warm liquid on his arm. Don't move, don't look, don't look just breathe it's okay...   
Another pinch, to the right of the last one in the crook of his elbow. Then again on the inside. Hands grabbed at his wrist, and the tourniquet was starting to be really uncomfortable. He heard muttering above him, but he tried to tune it out, don't worry, don't listen. Just focus on breathing, it's okay, everything is okay.   
4 more tries and they finally got a vein on his right wrist. His arms ached, and the contrast made him feel a little dizzy. They shoved him back into the cage, and began imaging again. Just breathe eren. Breathe. 

Levi went to the tiny coffee shop on the second floor, and piled his arms high full of food. He wouldn't drink shitty coffee, so he just bought eren a cup,and made it scalding. Extra cream, no sugar. Two muffins, a chocolate scone and a yogurt parfait later, levi took his haul back to the waiting room, trying to remember which was which, when he thought he found the right one, he tried to relax on one of the softer chairs in the corner and nibbled on the walnut muffin. As much as he tried not to show it, he was still a little nervous. He didn't like being here, and he didn't like whatever was going on. He hated to be in the dark. He brought his computer, working on a new software and a web page for a client. It was easier to take his mind off things, easier to just get lost in his work.   
An hour later, levi heard Eren's voice. He was laughing halfheartedly and was strangely robotic sounding echoing off the hallway. He immediately abandoned his work, and tried to keep himself from pouncing down the hall. Calm down, everything is fine. He stopped when he saw his boyfriend come into view. His arms were purple. His left arm sported a giant bruise that ran from his elbow up, and was already turning blue. He looked even more tired and pale, with a smirk that convinced the tech but not even close to convincing him. Eren kept walking, watching as levi stood paralyzed.   
"You- you got some food for me?" he took erens fingers in his, bright red spots lining each vein on his hand. The tech said something about results in 24 hours, levi nodded but was still lost in how brutal eren looked. He wanted to go find whoever had fucked up and tear them a new one. He had to get out of here. Seeing eren like this, something so obviously off, and not knowing what it was, was a grey storm cloud that wrapped him up and spit out lightening. So he took the bruised and stitched hand, marched into the waiting room, grabbed the food, handed the taller one his no longer scalding coffee, and headed towards the exit.   
He was obviously starving. Even so, after the muffin he wolfed down, he started to dry heave. The slightly radioactive isotopes from the contrast make you feel nausea, levi remembered reading at some point last night. He just rubbed circles on Eren's tan back, not trusting himself to say anything.   
" they blew a valve." What? Brat had said something?   
" the tech. Blew a valve. That's why it's bruised. It's okay. Everything is fine. We'll get the results tomorrow and everything will be fine." Levi nodded, feeling the pit in his stomach tighten.


	4. What now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Very short little chapter. Mostly it's set-up for the next chapter, and shit is about to go down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pardon my French ( :D see what I did there?) I am extraordinarily inept at it. This chapter is short and mostly filler goodness. Don't kill me. 
> 
> Feedback, kudos and comments are always appreciated. Thanks guys! I'll update the next chapter either today or tomorrow to make up for this one.

They had gotten home late. Neither of them particularly wanted to go home, but neither of them wanted to stay here in the least. So levi drove them to a park not far from the house, and they just sat on a bench together away from the pathways. They were hidden by the trees, but they didn't kiss. They just held hands; smaller, slender pale fingers entwined in strong, stitched and bruised ones. Neither of them could speak, they were both afraid to break the silence that protected them. However, after an hour of just being in each other's company, eren couldn't take not speaking another second.   
"Levi... Levi I'm scared." The older man shut his eyes. He sighed slowly and leaned into his boyfriends regretfully taller shoulder and rested his chin on his collar bone. Eren looked straight ahead, mouth set firmly and an unsure look in his bright green eyes.   
" I know. I know baby. I'm sorry. I know it's not okay right now. But it will be. It will be okay. Je'taime. je ne sais pas quoi dire d'autre ... ou quoi faire . mais je resterai à vos côtés."   
"You know I'm still not that good at French, old man. Levi... I love you too. And I don't know what else to say. I don't want to go back. I never wanted any of this. I'm sorry, I didn't want to scare you. I don't want to be afraid."   
"I know."   
They waited in the cold October air for the leaves to fall and the silence to bury them.

It was late, maybe 9:30 or so. Not that late, but far too damn dark and sleepy to be getting a call. He had made dinner, and was cleaning up with Eren sleeping in front of Howls moving castle. He knew that stupid caller ID.  
" Erwin, what the shit are you doing calling this la- "  
"Levi, I've heard you have taken eren to the hospital recently. As your friend, I insist on doing his examination. At least one of them. 3 o'clock. Wednesday. Don't be late. That is all."   
Godamn Erwin, acting so businesslike. He swore on his friends gigantic eyebrows he would give him hell for it again on Wednesday. They might as well though, he could go over the imaging anyway, even though his specialty was oncology. Still a doctor, even if the man acted like he was the worlds savior. Levi repeated his mantra, holding onto the words to keep him sane. Two days. Just get through tomorrow. Just two days. Tomorrow, and the next day you can help Eren.


	5. Crisis creeps in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Levi go to see Erwin and go over all of his imaging. What will Erwin say?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all who have continued reading! Comments, kudos, and questions are always appreciated. Give me some sugar.   
>  This chapter is just feels. I did warn you.

They waited in a bland waiting room for almost two hours. When they finally were called back to the beige office levi had seen only a few times to bother Erwin, he was in an even worse mood. He sat as tall as he could in the chair adjacent to the examination table, and gave the door his worst death glare. Eren continually made fun of him, saying the door was either going to burst into flames or melt a hole. Erwin came in fifteen minutes later and immediately sat at his computer, two scans in hand. He set them on the counter and acknowledged Eren in a low voice. Levi watched him silently, worry still knotted in his stomach.

He walked over and did a thorough physical, asking about every inch of his body, testing his sensation, reflexes, pain scale and sensitivity. After a number of questions that levi tuned out, Erwin sat back down, same blank expression on his face. Levi just chanted in his mind ' he's fine, he's going to be fine' during the entire exam. Erwin studied the images, holding them up to the light for several moments before he sighed and stared at levi and eren for a moment. Levi's stomach sank. That was not the sound of good news.   
"Eren, levi. I am sorry to have to tell you that eren has several tumors. Judging from the current scans, you have at least one major brain tumor, and there appears to be one in your CNS, but we will have to do more imaging to make sure. Given the onset of symptoms, it appears these tumors are malignant. "  
"Erwin. No. You better not be fucking telling me what I think you are. Tell me this is some practical joke from hanji. She loves this shit. This isn't right Erwin!"  
"Levi. "  
"No! Don't you dare. Don't you fucking say it."  
"Eren, I am very sorry to say that it appears you have brain cancer. "  
The office was silent. Eren had hardly breathed a word during the entire appointment, but now he was imploding. Sound seemed to be sucked in like he was a black hole. Quiet cries threatened to break lose.   
"I will schedule an appointment for tomorrow, where we will discuss a treatment plan. I assume you two need a minute, I believe this appointment is over. Please, take some time here. "

Eren still hadn't made a sound. Levi was standing, facing the door Erwin had just left. Staring. Frozen. A small sob came from behind him, and he whipped around only to see eren curled in on himself, looking like he couldn't breathe.   
"Oh god. Okay. Okay. I- I can't, levi. Levi? I don't... I don't know..."   
There weren't tears yet, only delusional words and fear etched into his face as he wailed softly. Small choking noises were coming from his chest. It hurt to hear, it crushed a part of levi to listen to such sad sounds. He knelt in front of he boyfriend, pulling him off the padded table, and held him. He couldn't think of any words to say. So he just pulled him in, closer and closer, he felt the other boy lean into his chest and give in, relaxing into his embrace with shoulders shaking for tears that wouldn't come. They stayed like that until levi could no longer stand to be in the room. When the walls felt like they were closing in on them and eren still cried without tears. Levi knew better. The tears would come. He was trying to hold himself together here. Just like levi was. It felt like being swallowed. He stood up and pulled the shaking boy to the elevator, not saying anything, keeping his head down and a straight, pinched face. Don't think. Don't feel. Don't do anything until you get eren in the car and you get him home. From that point he barely remembered pushing Eren's listless body into the car, driving home and pulling him into the house. He still hadn't really looked at him. He knew that as soon as he did, reality was going to come crashing down on him like a tsunami. It would bury him and choke him until he cried, and do it all over again. He hadn't cried in years.   
As soon as the door was shut behind him, levi felt his hand tug down as eren fell to his knees. This time though, he didn't make any sound. He didn't cry out , but levi knew when he turned to look at him, he wouldn't be able to stop either of their tears.   
" le- levi-" he took a deep breath, and turned to face him, looking into his fearful eyes.   
" I- I don't think..." The tears started pouring down his face, each salty drop bringing levi closer to crying himself.   
" I want to be brave. I want- I don't want to be scared. But levi- I don't want to die. I am so scared! I don't want to die!   
" eren... I am so sorry. I'm not going to let you die. I have to protect you, right?" He bit the inside of his lip so hard it bled, trying not to scream. " I won't let you go. I'll stay by your side, always. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to be afraid. I'll be right here." He knelt in front of him, cradling his slender face in his hands not daring to break contact with those bright eyes cracked with devastation. He kissed the tears on his cheeks, and held him again, letting him bawl into his chest. He kept assuring eren he was there. He was going to protect him. But something plagued him. Hadn't he already failed? How was he going to protect him now?   
He was terrified. He just kept kissing eren wherever he could reach, hoping to whatever god there was that he could kiss away his pain.   
Eren cried them both to sleep. Levi couldn't hold himself together after he watched eren slowly drift off, and see his tears finally cease. He just had to imagine more of the bruises already adorning his arms. That sadness take over his normal determination. His soft hair disappearing. His body getting thin, and being unable to eat.   
Levi saw his lover dying.   
He sat up in bed, careful not to wake the other, and slipped into the bathroom through the darkness. He leaned against the cold wall and felt the sudden rush of tears for the first time in too long. The dam broke open and it all suddenly felt so overwhelming. The cost alone was worrying, and that didn't matter. How could he watch the love of his life whither away? He didn't want to watch him change, he didn't want him to get sick, he didn't want him to hurt. He held his hands up to his throat, trying to choke down the building sobs, but he couldn't. He was alone, in the dark, with his darling in the other room being eaten away by his own body. He had failed. He was tired and shaking from fear, completely clouded by his own thoughts when the light turned on overhead.   
" what're you doin' up iss so... " sleepy eyes widened, and levi tried to turn away.   
" oh, levi. Levi, it's okay. Hey, hey-"   
" I failed you. I was supposed to keep anything from happening to you. I'm supposed to keep everything bad away I'm supposed-"  
"Levi. It's okay. Look at me. " levi shook his head and choked, heaving on air that froze his lungs. His chest restricted with each breath, he felt his blood pound in his ears as his lungs felt like collapsing and his throat strangled him.   
"You're not supposed to do this to me!" He snarled. " you're not supposed to make this so hard!"   
" you- you don't... Have to stay." Levi finally snapped up, looking at Eren's utterly crestfallen face.   
" you fucking idiot!" He hissed, and pulled Eren's hair in his hands. " I'm not leaving you. I'm never leaving your side. You're not supposed to make it so hard for me to protect you. To help you. To know what to do. I'm scared too, you bastard. Now get it through your thick skull that I'm not abandoning you here!" He sucked in another breath, and another image flashed in his head that made him wail and snap away from eren, turning toward the wall. " I don't want you to hurt. You can't--!" He slammed his closed fist into the wall, and again and again, before leaning into it breathlessly, at a complete loss. Torn hands pulled him away into an embrace, tears staining his neck as they both cried furiously.   
" Oh, levi. I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to do."   
" don't give up. Tell me you won't give up. You have to keep fighting. I won't give up on you, so you can't either."   
" it's okay if you don't want to do this with me. I'll understand if you-"   
" say you won't either" he hissed, interrupting him.   
" I'll keep fighting. Okay?"   
Levi sighed and leaned his back against his taller boyfriends chest. Anxiety seeping into his bones.


	6. Sing for me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More history on their past. Mostly on Levi's past as he's recollecting past events and getting wrapped up in sad memories. Eren and Levi are left to try and cope with their news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I'm such a dork. Song references and Disney references and more studio ghibli references later....   
> Fluffy sadness. It's a sad fic, apologies.   
> As always, feedback and love and comments and things are wonderful. Thanks guys!

The morning returned tears in packaged boxes. Levi woke up early, despite having barely slept through the night, but decided to neglect the days cleaning. They were nuzzled face to face, just centimeters from each other. Eren winced lightly in his sleep. Levi stroked his cheek and brushed invisible curls from his forehead. A path of cracked salt tiptoed from the corner of his eye to a slightly darker spot on the sheets. Even with his wincing, he looked so much more peaceful in his sleep. Like all of his tired lines were smoothed over. He also seemed smaller. Normally, eren was larger than life. He attacked everything with a passion so fierce it was a wonder he didn't burn up. He wasn't actually that tall or big, he was muscled but very slender. When he was awake, his green eyes preceded him in every room, and his enthusiastic voice was unmistakable. He cast a long, dark shadow, there was a reason many of his friends called him the jäger bomb. In his sleep, he always curled in on the edges. Levi had guessed before that this was closer to his true size. However big eren felt that day would be contained in a body that was a little too small for him. He had grown in the years that levi had known him, becoming more defined and losing little curves that labeled him as a teenager.  
Lost in thought, holding his curled boyfriend, he recalled the first time they met. Levi had beat the living shit out of him. He was in the local college, a few miles from the high school eren had gone to. It was February, an icy day. The kind of day that should have been canceled because the roads were so damn bad. So levi had walked from class to class, moody and unfathomably cold. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a a little blonde girl go down underneath a gangly teenager, pinned on the sidewalk by the high school. He immediately ran through the abandoned pavement, and pulled the struggling pair apart. No one else was there but him, what else could he do? Without a second though, he pummeled the kid who had fallen on the girl, mercilessly kneeing and punching him, assuming the worst. Even if he did have the prettiest eyes he had ever seen. However, when the little blonde girl came up behind him, he felt her tug on his sleeves and tentatively yelled for him to stop.  
" he didn't mean to! He just fell! I'm okay, he-he's my friend!" Eren stared blankly, holding his stomach, nose and mouth bleeding. Levi skeptically stopped mid kick to his ribs, and stared at the girl.   
Her name was krista, and she explained he had slipped on ice, and really wasn't going to hurt her.   
"You are sure?"   
"Well, I mean, he's gay, so yes?"   
He smirked at the memory. insisting in his own, cold way that he take Eren out to coffee as payment. Eren laughing despite his battered body.   
He had never planned on falling for the idiot. 

That idiot was now sharing his body heat, mumbling in his sleep as levi sighed breathily and hugged their bodies closer together. What would Erwin say? What would eren have to go through? Beyond any symptoms he might get. He already has the pain and the vision problems. The hallucinations. He had already been driven out of fear and pain to tear up his hands to such an extent. Erwin had called him last night, telling him grimly that he was lucky. His 'episode' let them catch it earlier then it could have been. What could have been didn't matter. He had cancer now. He was sick now.   
Every bone in his body ached from exhaustion, but worry kept him from sleeping. He tried to get his computer and work on a website. Worry kept that from him too. So he sank back down in the bed, curled around Eren's back, and sang. Whispered lyrics from any song that popped into his head, mixing French words with English. He traced circles into Eren's back, and thought up love songs he lost in the middle of the 2nd verses. Eren loved Disney movies ( the brat), which meant that many of the songs were a permanent addition to Levi's brain now. He would never tell that he really didn't mind. The first one that came to mind was Eren's personal favorite. The one he would be caught singing when he made breakfast or came home in a sad mood.   
" all those days, watching out the window. All that time, outside looking in." Eren used to tell him that half the reason he fell in love with him was because of his voice. When he denied it and told him no one believed that, eren took to saying that no one could ever tell him his voice wasn't beautiful.   
"Now I'm here, everything looks different, now that I see you...  
And at last I see the light. And it's like the fog has lifted..."   
A thought he had been pushing away crept into his mind. Eren was his light, his lantern through his dark past. How could he live without him? The possibility of eren dying forced it's way into his mind.   
"And it's warm and real- and bright..." His voiced cracked as he choked on the words. How could he lose eren? Just the thought of it made him feel sick, and break down in a way he hadn't since he was a child. Tears clawed their way back to his stinging eyes. Pulled Eren's warm body tightly against his chest, holding him in a bone crushing embrace. He couldn't let him go. He couldn't let him die. He had too many people in his life leave him with only empty memories. Farlan and Isabel, his self proclaimed brother and sister, had been killed in a mugging when he was deployed. They had shared an apartment in the bad part of Chicago, because Izzy wanted to be a teacher there of all the godamned places. And some guy waltzed in and shot them. Petra was his best friend through high school. He had been there the day she died. They were riding bikes down the street. Past a red light to their left. He watched helplessly as a tan truck ran through the intersection. Watched as the smile had left her face, as she was pinned to a tree, back broken and blood running from her lips. He watched her try and reach for him weakly as he screamed and ran to her. He grasped her hand, willing each faint squeeze from her to last a second longer. He remembered the exact look of life draining from her eyes. He couldn't make a sound after that. Only hover over her body and wait. Wait for police. Wait for an ambulance that wouldn't be able to save her. He was lost until the truck door opened and a graying man drunk into a stupor stumbled from the car. His rage left a nearly permanent mark. Along with 2 black eyes, broken ribs, a ruptured spleen, fractured wrist, and a lost tooth. When his rage ceased ,he watched Petra's body be taken away, with the bloodied man in the police car. Eren had come to pick him up, taking him straight home and saying nothing, just holding his torn apart lover.   
What would his last image of Eren be? Maybe Hanji would be the one to try and pick up the pieces then. Maybe Erwin.   
He choked down his cries, only shedding tears from unblinking eyes, coating the collar of Eren's shirt. He couldn't make a sound, barely breathing, until he felt eren move underneath him. He gasped and held onto the arms holding him, immediately beginning to cry as he listened to levi sing, a rarity in itself that was bitterly sweet.   
"Oh levi. I- I can't do this. It already hurts."   
" I can't lose you too. Not after Farlan and Isabel. And then Petra... I loved them. I lost my brother and sister. I lost Petra. You are not dying on me too. Do you understand? I loved them, but I adore you. I am not waking up a single morning without you by my side. I can't have a last image of you. I don't want to live without you. You're not dying on me too, do you understand?"   
Eren turned in his arms, coming back to face him as he nodded, silent tears still washing over his face.   
" I will stay with you through all of this. I promise, I'll do whatever I can. I'll love you through anything."   
" you don't have to. I don't want to make you go through this with me."   
" you really do have shit for brains sometimes jaeger. I promised. I wouldn't have if I didn't really mean the words. You understand me? I love you more than I can say. And I won't abandon you. I'm going to watch you kick cancer ass. And beat the shit out of anyone who says otherwise."   
" I love you. I love you so much Levi." He closed the minuscule gap, pressing their lips together softly and kissing him with all the love and thanks his broken heart could hold. Levi's embrace tightened, holding onto him fiercely. There was running hands through hair and pushing up shirts to feel warm skin. Eren parted his lips, gently sucking on Levi's and moving his mouth desperately. A slow urgency took over them, a need to show each other love and be close and safe in each other's grasp. It was different than desire, passionate sex and marking their bodies for their own. There were still tears, mixing in their mouths and coating their lips. They pulled away, sucking on oxygen with Eren now pulling Levi close as the last pieces fell apart. All attempts at being soundless we're futile, desperate raw cries and sobs shook his body. He prayed and asked every deity he knew of not to take Eren from him. If there is a god, don't take this precious boy from me, he repeated over and over under his breath. After a while, Eren had to abandon one of Levi's shoulders in favor of pressing his own head into the pillow, wrapping his arm protectively around his face. He winced, his breaths were sharp and uneven. His chest tightened, it was continuously harder to breathe. Levi forced himself to exhale deeply and stop crying for a moment. His voice cracked and tremored despite his best efforts, whines caught in his throat.   
"Look at me. Eyes on me kid." Eren reluctantly looked into steely grey eyes. " there's those bright eyes. Slow breaths, okay? In, with me. I know it hurts. I know you're scared. But you have to breathe. Don't be overwhelmed by me. I can leave if you need me to." Eren shook his head faintly, tugging on his hair and pinching his eyes shut. Drawing his darling Levi closer to his chest. "Okay. I'm right here. Tell me. Tell me if I need to do something."   
"Sing? little more?"   
"Tch. Don't make a habit of wanting to hear my shit voice kid."


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly just song lyrics. Nothing really happens, just a continuation of last chapter, really. More fun stuff ahead though!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos! More are always desperately asked for. I own none of these songs. I own nothing.   
> Also thank you to everyone who has given this story a try, or even blessed me with continuing to read it! I know there are some mistakes, I don't have a beta so everything is edited by yours truly.   
> Enjoy!

Levi was never one to deny Eren anything. As much as he hated to admit it, he couldn't help it. He would walk to the ends of the earth for him. He would lay waste to empires to see him smile. He would go to hell and back if he had asked.   
He drew in another harsh breath, not responding, and Levi started to rub designs with his fingers, drawing shapes on his chest as he began to hum and mutter words. It was nonsensical again at first, changing patterns and languages on a whim. He settled on humming the harmony of a slow song, to let him breathe and try and keep his words from shaking. 

This one comes and this one goes  
So here we are across the road  
In whispers, in whispers  
You say let it go, let it go home

His own voice was getting steadier as he was absorbed in the song, lost in trying to remember the words. 

Taking all our time we rode  
Through the town where we grew old  
Our stories and pictures  
Oh, we let them go, let them go home  
Oh, I have seen your beauty grow  
Where all this fade, you shine and glow  
Our love will be legend  
If we let it go, let it go home.

He continued to hum, changing the melody to the next song that was stuck in his head. A sad song, a slow song. One where he could still catch his breath as Eren winced and twitched, his face trying to mask the pain that Levi knew felt overwhelming at the moment. Anything else, Levi thought, anything to keep Eren from being consumed by his panic again. 

White lips, pale face  
Breathing in snowflakes  
Burnt lungs, sour taste  
Light's gone, day's end  
Struggling to pay rent  
Long nights, strange men  
And they say  
She's in the Class A Team  
Stuck in her daydream  
Been this way since eighteen  
But lately her face seems  
Slowly sinking, wasting  
Crumbling like pastries  
And they scream  
The worst things in life come free to us  
Cause we're just under the upper hand  
And go mad for a couple grams  
And she don't want to go outside tonight  
And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland  
And sells love to another man  
It's too cold outside  
For angels to fly  
Angels to fly  
Ripped gloves, rain coat  
Tried to swim and stay afloat  
Dry house, wet clothes  
Loose change, bank notes  
Weary-eyed, dry throat  
Call girl, no phone  
And they say  
She's in the class A Team  
Stuck in her daydream  
Been this way since eighteen  
But lately,  
her face seems  
Slowly sinking, wasting  
Crumbling like pastries  
And they scream  
The worst things in life come free to us  
Cause we're just under the upper hand  
And go mad for a couple grams  
And she don't want to go outside tonight  
And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland  
And sells love to another man  
It's too cold outside  
For angels to fly

An angel will die  
Covered in white  
Closed eyed  
And hoping for a better life  
This time, we'll fade out tonight  
Straight down the line

And they say  
She's in the Class A Team  
Stuck in her daydream  
Been this way since eighteen  
But lately her face seems  
Slowly sinking, wasting  
Crumbling like pastries  
They scream  
The worst things in life come to free us  
And we're all under the upper hand  
Go mad for a couple grams  
And we don't want to go outside tonight  
And in a pipe we fly to the Motherland  
And sell love to another man  
It's too cold outside  
For angels to fly  
Angels to fly  
To fly, fly  
For angels to fly, to fly, to fly  
Or angels to die

" -vi. Levi- vi" "yes sweetheart." Mm-know that... Song? Bon iver? You play-ed formme? Mmm-vi?" His words blurred together again, and sounded like nonsense. But Levi knew what he was asking for. A song he had played in the car on a long day. A day where he had nearly broken down, feeling overwhelmed at the loss of his friends. They had pulled over at the side of the road, in the rain as the fog crept over their vision. Levi felt panic curl back in his chest. His hands started to shake, and he sat, staring at the rain beating a tattoo in the windshield, knuckles turning white. Eren brushed his cheek, bringing him back to the living world. He played the song hoping that it would calm him down some more, and let him breathe again. It broke up every few seconds, and Eren listened to the whole grainy thing. He said that he saw Levi's eyes crack. And mend back up when they were listening. It was the first time Eren had said I love you. He whispered over the silence, pulling Levi's face toward him in loving hands. 

Come on skinny love just last the year  
Pour a little salt we were never here  
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my  
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer  
I tell my love to wreck it all  
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall  
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my  
Right in the moment this order's tall  
I told you to be patient  
I told you to be fine  
I told you to be balanced  
I told you to be kind  
In the morning I'll be with you  
But it will be a different "kind"  
I'll be holding all the tickets  
And you'll be owning all the fines

Eren breathing got ragged again, pressing his head into the pillow, tears starting to leak from his eyes. Levi pulled up a little, humming into erens throat and lowering his voice 

Come on skinny love what happened here  
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere  
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my  
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient  
I told you to be fine  
I told you to be balanced  
I told you to be kind  
Now all your love is wasted?  
Then who the hell was I?  
Now I'm breaking at the britches  
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?  
Who will fight?  
Who will fall far behind?

Come on skinny love  
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

" don-nt want... Leave" "I know. I know. Erwin called last night. You'll have scans today, more MRIs. I don't think you have to have contrast though." He added quickly when Eren tensed back up. There were blue bruises all up and down his arms, and a huge purple stain that covered the inside of his arm. The stitches in his hand and wrist were still puckered and red, making Eren look torn up and pieced back together. Despite the extra sleep he had been getting, there were heavy dark circles marring his tan and usually happy face. Levi turned in erens half grasp, meticulously placing his feet on the floor before turning back to look at his teary eyed love. " can you eat anything? You really should eat something, you've barely had anything for the last few days. I'll bring you something in bed, okay?" Eren shook his head faintly. " you have to eat, the next few days are going to be a lot. You have to eat now, at least a good while before your scans." He shook his head again. "Yes. C'mon you're getting up now. You have to have breakfast, I'll force feed you if I need to." Eren finally nodded, and reached for Levi's hand tentatively. Levi pulled him to his feet, letting him lean onto him as a support. "I've got you"   
"Mm-know...vi..." Cheeky little thing. Bacon? Or are you not up for it?" Eren smirked and mumbled " a...way es-forba- on..." " thought so. Is it hard to talk this morning? Erwin said that might be a problem." He hesitated, but nodded again and tightened his grip on Levi. " don't worry too much. We're going to get this all sorted today, right? He leaned up and kissed erens cheek, hoping his mask of optimism went unnoticed. He really wanted it to seem genuine.   
It was a lazy day. Eren picked at his bacon and eggs, but ate enough to satisfy his insistent boyfriend. No matter how much Levi tormented him or threatened, he was always generously sweet and undeservedly caring. They thoughtlessly watched movies while Levi toyed with the brunettes hair, trying to commit the feeling of the fluffy chocolate strands to memory.


	8. Not worth it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Levi continue with appointments, and the recent news becomes too much to handle. What will Levi and Eren do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies! My apologies for the lengthy update, but a longer chapter is my gift to you! Please be warned, this chapter may be triggery, and angsty.  
> Forgive my mistakes and novice writing, as always. I hope you enjoy it! Feedback, comments or kudos, is my lifeblood.

These scans lasted much longer. The CT was only a few minutes, but the MRI of his brain and cervical and lumbar spine took hours longer than the last one. He was on the verge of panicking in the last few moments, struggling to breathe and keep calm and not rip the sci-fi looking mask off his face. His speech had slowly gained its normal pattern throughout the day, not that he was saying much. After the scans, thankfully without the vomit inducing contrast, he met Levi in yet another waiting room, and was taken back into Erwin's office again by the nurse they had seen yesterday. Levi listened diligently. Eren couldn't process most of what he was saying. Aggressive chemotherapy three days a week for five week intervals. Targeted radiation overlapping the chemo. Wait for a few months to try and avoid surgery if possible. He was overwhelmed in his own thoughts. Just how awful was he going to feel in the next few weeks? What about the flower shop? How was he going to pay for all of this? He tried calculating it out, but all he could do was guess. 500,000 dollars? A million? They didn't have that kind of money. How was Levi supposed to stay with him through all of this? How was he supposed to wait through countless doctors and endless nights and emergency visits and all of the other things in between? He didn't deserve it. And Eren didn't think he deserved him to stay. But he was terrified of him leaving, and being all alone in this big, black hole of pain. 

" Eren, what's wrong." " nothing. Just a long day. I'm fine." You're not fine, you're pacing again. I don't want you to start stress walking again, you kept getting lost the last time it started up." Levi- I'm... I'm fine. I'm fine. I'll be fine." " one more and I'll believe you" Eren sighed, and slowly sank into an adjacent chair. " you don't have to stay. " " you said that. Eren, do you want me to? Do you want me to go? I can, I guess... Jesus if you asked me to I couldn't say no, even if it killed me" Levi muttered under his breath, looking down at his hands and trying to figure out what to do next. Erens eyes welled with tears and he shook his head violently, trying to keep his voice from cracking. " I don't deserve you to stay, to help me. But Levi... I don't want you to go? Please, please don't leave me all alone, I don't think I would survive. I really think I'd die." "you're stronger than that you know. So much better." Eren hung his head and wrapped his arms around his chest and whispered almost inaudibly " please don't go" Levi looked up again and sighed. " oh Eren. Oh love. Of course I won't. I promise, alright? Please don't cry, don't be scared I'm not going to leave you." Eren shook his head. " I don't know what to do! I don't deserve you, really I don't. But I can't bear to watch you leave."  
"Do you think that I deserve you? "  
"wh-what?"  
"Do I deserve you? "  
" if I'm still what you want. You deserve everything, you're amazing. I love you." His voice was soft and breathy, traces of cracks hitting the vowels. " I want you. Today, and tomorrow, and the next day. No matter how mad I might get at you for being a hot headed little bastard, you're my hot headed bastard. I want you and I want to wake up next to you every morning, and fall asleep with you by my side. If I deserve you, you deserve me. You don't have to always want me, but I won't ever stop wanting you. " Levi had taken erens hands in his, willing himself not to look away. He blushed at the confession. He really never was one for words, but he meant what he had said. He never wanted Eren to be afraid of him, no matter what. He didn't want to hold that kind of power.  
" I don't deserve this. I can't keep you, can I? It's not fair, I have to be fair, I'll never forgive myself for making you suffer for me. I am so lost, I can't make you stay, I can't bear for you to leave, why does this hurt? Why does this make my chest feel ripped up?"  
" Eren."  
"No! I can't, I can't do this, I don't know how to do any of this! I can't, I can't..." He ripped away from Levi and stood up shakily, looking away. " Eren, look at me." He shook his head and trembled, his hands shaking as he put them around his face in a wail. His eyes were clouded over with racing thoughts. " Eren, please..." He was afraid of what could happen if he didn't get him to calm down. A couple of years ago, things got pretty bad. He was badly bullied and beaten at school when people found out he was gay, and his dad hasn't been on good terms with him since. After a few months of daily abuse, he started self harming and stress walking, getting lost in bad neighborhoods and back woods. It took a long time for Levi to get him to stop.  
He slowly reached toward Erens arms, brushing them with his fingertips when he bolted. 

"EREN?!" He heard the door to their bathroom slam shut and he ran after him in a daze. The lock clicked and echoed off the walls, he slammed his fists against the door, screaming at him almost incoherently. "Eren don't! You are so strong, you can do this! Please, you promised not to give up! You don't have to hurt yourself to feel in control, I'll help, please just open the god damn door! Eren!!!" He heard plastic snapping and Eren breathing heavily as he tried to pry a razor apart. " Don't you do this, please stop put the razors down, you hear me? Please don't cut yourself, you don't have to hurt yourself" Levi furiously clawed at the door, continually pleading with him to put the razors down. A light twinkle of metal followed a gentle gasp. Levi paused. "get away from the door. Do you hear me? Get away from the door I'm kicking it down." He hasn't had to do this since he was clearing houses in Kabul, but his muscles tense the same familiar way as he smashed the inside lock with the force of his heel. The door slams open, and Eren is curled against the wall with his jeans off. A long gash from inside his thigh stretches across the top of his leg, tracing red drops from just below his boxers. Four blades littered the floor by the door, one lined with blood. Levi treads slowly over to him without saying a word, erens eyes are closed and his body is still shaking against the wall. Blood pooled gently around his leg, streaking down from gravity. He had yet more tears streaking down his cheeks. Levi kneeled in front of him and put his hands forcefully on erens shoulders. " Look. At. Me. " Eren shook his head and tried to brush his hands away half heartedly. " I don't deserve it. Levi, I don't deserve you. Maybe I should've listened to everyone. Who else deserves this? Besides me? Maybe I deserve to die." Levi glared at him, and pinned him back hard so his head smacked the drywall. Eren winced slightly, but let Levi hold him back. " don't you dare." He hissed, grey eyes piercing through him. " don't you dare say shit like that, or give those fuckers a second thought. You are strong. You are brave. You are worthy of love, you are worthy of life, you deserve me. You deserve treatment, you deserve to live without pain or torment. It is not your fault." Eren looked up at him with tears in his eyes " please d-don't please don-n't lie to me, everyone s-said that I should haaavve died...why didn't I listen to them, I deserve this I deserve to be hurt like this, right?" " I need you to do this for me. And for yourself. Say that you are strong, and brave." " strong? Strong people don't lie on the bathroom floor covered in their own blood at some ungodly hour. Brave people don't deserve to die from their cancer..." Levi pulled him forward by his shirt collar until their desperate eyes were only an inch apart.  
" you are amazing. You are the reason I am still here on this earth. You are passionate, headstrong, and kind to a fault. You fight back, but you never provoke, you're fiercely protective, and you accept people for who they are. I love you. And I believe with every ounce of my being that you deserve to live. And I will be here every step of the way, right by your side. You deserve my love. You deserve your love. You are worth fighting for, I promise you that. No matter what anyone else has said, they don't know you. They were afraid of you being gay, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with loving someone. There is nothing wrong with love Eren. There is nothing wrong with who you are as a person. Even if you don't believe it right now, I really need you to repeat the things back that I tell you, okay?" Eren trembled as he struggled to breathe, panic once again taking him over. he scratched mindlessly at his arms, and then his thighs, making dark red scratches form on the soft skin. " hushhh. Slow breaths. In, with me." Levi took a deep breathe in, and held it for a few seconds before blowing softly on erens nose. He firmly took his hands, and held them away from the rest of his body. " say this to me, when you can. ' I am strong. I am brave. I deserve love, I deserve life.' Got it? All right baby, slow breathing. You are safe. I'm right here. No one is going to touch you. " Levi pulled the boy forward by his arms until his face rested on his muscular chest. He breathed deeply and intentionally, rubbing down the brunettes spine as he struggled desperately for breath and clawed at his chest again. Slowly, almost unbearably slowly, erens breathing calmed little by little, and his gasps were met with oxygen passing through his lungs. Levi's knees went numb at one point, but he hardly cared. He held the boys lithe, still trembling body until he was ready to speak. It was barely above a whisper, but it took a lot of effort to form the words. " I'm brave. I'm strong. I deserve love."  
" and life. You deserve to live."  
" what if I don't live? What if I die? I'm scared to die, but I want there to be some reason for it, almost, it is almost easier if I deserve it, then I'd understand. Then cancer is just my punishment. Right?" Levi pulled away from him excruciatingly gently. He pressed their foreheads together, and closed his eyes, breathing in his favorite scent in the world.  
" I don't know what's going to happen. But you're not being punished for something. Maybe this is some kind of test, to see if you can survive. Maybe you just happened to be the person who randomly received some minor gene. Maybe all this shit lined up in the universe, I don't know. I do know that even on the days where it doesn't feel like it, you are stronger than anyone else I know, stronger than this. And there is nothing you have, or could have done to deserve having cancer like this. Do you believe me?" Eren hesitated, and slowly shook his head. " you'll see, one day. We'll work on it together. Alright?" Eren had no response, but breathed a little slower with each breath as he calmed down. "Let's get you up. First aide kit is in our bedroom, I'll go grab it, okay? Stay still." Levi picked him up and held the bleeding leg as erens arms were wrapped around his neck. Holding him bridal style, Levi carried him gingerly, stepping over the razors with masked disgust. He set him down on the kitchen counter, kissed his jaw, and walked back to the bathroom. He grabbed the razors one by one, and hid them in his desk drawer in an envelope until he could really get rid of them. He had a fair sized first aide kit under the bed, and he carried it swinging in one hand down the gray hallway. The blood on Erens thigh had slowed, but was still bleeding and staining the tile counter by the sink. Levi meticulously rinsed the streaking crimson, revealing a gaping gash that was longer but shallower than Levi expected. No more stitches, thank god. He didn't want to spend any more time in the hospital than he had to. He used long butterfly strips to bring the sides of the skin together, blotting at the blood with a clean towel as Eren stared blankly at his slender fingers working at his thigh. " Levi... Levi I'm so sorry. You don't have to do this. You don't deserve any of this, any of this suffering and shit I bring." " doesn't matter. I want to be here, I want to have you by me no matter what is happening. It's not your fault." This is. This is my fault." " Eren. Stop." Levi looked up at the crestfallen boy, illuminated by the refrigerator clock and the moon. " I just don't want you to have to feel like you need to hurt yourself. I don't want you to hurt in general, much less do it to yourself. I understand why you did it though. You panicked, you felt out of control, and like you deserved to be punished. Am I wrong? This..." He grazed his finger over the bandages lightly. " is not who you are. It is not a reflection of what you are capable of. This shows that you need help sometimes, because a lot of things have happened to you. A lot of stress and sadness and pain." Eren was silent, trying hard to take in what Levi was saying. 

After a moment of quiet, and the gash in Erens thigh finally cleaned thoroughly and bandaged to his standard, Levi put his hand on erens cheek.  
" we should call Mikasa and Armin tomorrow. Or have them over. They need to know, right? Is there anyone else who needs to know in the next few days when you start chemo?" " I can't." " love, I know it will make them upset and it will be hard, but we have to tell them something."  
" I don't want them to worry, please..."  
" they'll be worried no matter what. It's because they love you, and they care about you. Like I do." I can't do that to them."  
" they'll find out at some point, yeah? I'll help you, I'll be there. We'll have them over for lunch tomorrow. I'm sure Hanji already knows, I'm not worrying about glasses. Do you want to talk to your dad?" Eren jerked up with wide eyes, his shoulders tense and knuckles rammed against the counter.  
" okay, okay no you don't have to say anything to him, it's okay." Levi kissed his cheeks , and pulled him by his wrist back into the bedroom. Stripping off into just their boxers, Levi held him against his chest tightly, arms folded as tightly as he could around the boys warm body.  
" I love you so much, brave one."  
" try telling me that when I start puking my guts out in the next few days."  
" I'll still love you."  
" uh huh, even when I look all old and shrively and have no hair? No chance."  
" mmm. Sexy Eren corpse..."  
" ew! No necrophilia!!"  
" I'll still love you."  
" how about when I barf on you? You're going to be sooo mad you might set the house on fire." "Then it'll be hygienic. After I'm done kicking you, I'll love you again." Eren gasped in half horror "don't kick me! I'm an angel!"  
" my angel. " Eren smiled lightly. " always. I'm yours for however long you want me."  
"Perfect. I'll keep holding you just like this, and when I die and become a skeleton, I'll still be holding you, yes."  
"You weirdo. You're not lily and I'm not your child and you don't get to keep me from my bacon." " here's another curse, may all your bacon burn." " noooooo, not the bacon!" Eren howled quietly.  
"Can I eat you then?"  
" what exactly would you be eating of mine?"  
"Eren, not what I meant."  
"You didn't seem to mind a few days ago when you we-"  
"Eren don't be disgusting."  
" I'm disgusting? How about when you asked to-"  
"EREN I SWEAR TO GOD THAT WAS ONE TIME" Eren laughed heartily and Levi couldn't help but smile.  
" I'll love you no matter how kinky you get. Hell, I wouldn't mind seeing you in heels sometime."  
" I'll consider it brat, you'll have to earn it."  
"Awe, I'll have to give you puppy Eren eyes. And you can't say no to puppy Eren eyes."  
"Stop that. Go to sleep already."  
" you just can't handle it."  
" I almost prefer you all mopey and apathetic, snarky bastard." He said it with no venom behind his voice, Eren knew he didn't mean it.  
" you're sure to get more of that."  
" I don't mind you know." Eren hoped desperately that he would keep not minding forever.


End file.
